


Even in this darkness

by GreenPhoenix



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-07-19 15:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7366546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenPhoenix/pseuds/GreenPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Said struggles with his faith after nearly killing Schillinger and Robson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even in this darkness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SegaBarrett](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SegaBarrett/gifts).



Time in the hole passes slowly, days upon days with the smell of his own urine and shit and the sweat from his body reeking.  
Kareem Said’s never felt further from Allah, even though he knows it can’t be true. His thoughts single him out for his god to find even now.  
Adebisi’s spirit rests inside him, full of depravity and sin. How Simon would love that, to gloat with pride over his fall.  
Said tried to kill two men who richly deserved it.  
The scum Schillinger and Robson, the Aryan degenerates not worthy of drawing breath. Not even in this hellhole, built with desire to keep people like him down. He hears the blood roar in his ears as he thinks of them and their unclean ilk.  
Said rages against a sky he cannot see, not for the first time.  
Time has no meaning in here.  
Said tries to pray, and calm his mind from its turmoil, but he can’t find the strength he needs from this act. His god is not here, or maybe he can't see him or feel his presence.

*  
McManus comes by and he isn’t ready to face the man and his hypocrisy.  
The governor’s well-meaning puppet tries to reach him, as ever he’s all talk and no action.  
Said snarls at him, and McManus looks afraid for a moment.  
Adebisi’s bloodlust gnaws at him, demands some kind of a tribute. He pleads guilty to attempted murder. He will not escape this truth, that he is a killer.  
So he might as well live in this hellish place forever, far from decency and good grace, far from his friends and family. 

*

Said tries to think of his god, and how he can get back to him.  
All he can see is images of Salah Udeen, the former Leroy Tidd who died for him, what a pure soul he had after all, what a good man he was in the end just like his friend Tobias Beecher, whom he stabbed those Aryans to save.  
Said would do it all over again, and that scares him.  
He thinks of Arif and how he’s a better leader now, a better man.  
He tried to be a good man, a man people would follow and admire. He was full of pride and that went against him.  
Well, look at him now, brought so low by his anger, naked and ashamed, and raging with inner fire.  
When he dresses and gets escorted out of the hole he feels strange.  
His brothers are in Oz to greet him, and he falls into their embraces with gratitude.

*  
Said dreams restlessly of Tricia Ross, her beautiful face as she said she was leaving.  
They never had a chance. Two worlds collided, and they were too far apart to join.  
They only ever held hands, and yet it set the Aryans and his own brothers into a tailspin.  
He sees her and knows he can have her but only because it’s not real.  
Dreams seduce him, and yet he wakes to a cold numb feeling. 

*  
He gets out and has an interaction with Schillinger and Tobias. Sister Pete insisted on it. She has a good heart, but some of her methods can be questionable.  
Beecher speaks of them as having things in common, seeing them a leaders of their people, wanting to have the best for those brothers and sisters.  
Beecher has a point, even if he knows that Said is the better man of the two.  
Said tries not to want to kill Schillinger with his bare hands.  
He could, but he won’t.

 

*  
“A salaam aleikum” he says to Arif, clinging to old truths to try and still the madness within. The madness that maybe always dwelled within his soul.  
Arif nods in approval. It makes Said glad to see him as ever.  
“I’m no leader,” says Said. “You deserve it now.”  
“Do I?” asks Arif and he seems to genuinely wonder if that is true.  
“You do, my brother. I must walk in the shadow for a while. “  
“We are with you,” says Arif. “We always will be.”  
“I know, and it’s a comfort,” says Said warmly.  
“Schillinger is scum,” says Arif.  
“Yes. But I should not have tried to kill him.”  
“Perhaps not,“ agrees Arif.  
“I shall see you,” says Said and leaves.  
Later Arif and he discuss what to do about Arif having seen Ryan O’Reily kill Patrick Keenan in a rage.  
As ever the Irishman escapes justice with the luck of the Irish. He is a devil too.  
Arif loses his beloved wife in the bus crash, and Said is there for him.  
He speaks of how she is with Allah now, and Arif tries to let that be a comfort.  
His children are still without a mother, and he without a wife. Arif’s burdens are so many, and yet he prevails. 

*  
Arif is not tainted by his actions to the extent that Said is.  
He goes to see Beecher, and to try and clear his mind with conversation.  
Beecher is a seeker and he has so many demons.  
Said is moved by him as ever, by his honest and open heart.  
If he could make Tobias see that longing for the murderer Keller was wrong he could win the battle for his soul.  
But Beecher won’t heed that warning, too full of what he calls love for an unworthy person. Keller is a demon in human shape, and he has Beecher under his spell. Said cannot see his allure, but it must resemble what he felt for Tricia. Yet Keller is an abomination before Allah's eyes and Tricia was at least a good woman. Said himself has a long struggle ahead, but he will find his way back to the light, no matter what the cost to his earthly body and existence.  
When McManus approaches him and asks him to be Omar White’s sponsor he agrees.  
This could be a step on the way to the light unlikely as it may seem.  
Said sighs as he goes back to his cell. Here under the artificial light he must find his way, and it could be his end. Inshallah.


End file.
